Success.

What is success?
Success is defined as "the accomplishment of one's goals" (dictionary.com).

If we were to measure success as is defined, by all accounts, I am successful. I've graduated nursing school, passed boards, obtained 3 jobs in my degree field, graduated with my Bachelors, started working on my Masters, and purchased my first home all on my own.

I want to view myself as successful, but I don't. Success to me would be owning the title of wife and mother, both of which I am nowhere close to achieving. When I see friends getting married and starting families of their own, I feel like a failure.

As I'm writing this, listening to Christmas music, Canon in D is playing. Until I was introduced to The Piano Guys, I wanted to walk down the aisle to that song. Hearing it every Christmas reminds me I am no closer to my self defined success. Everyone tells me I need to be happy with myself now and the life I'm living, and I am to an extent. Maya Angelou defines success as "liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it." On that account, I view myself as successful. I'm a great nurse and I like what I do on most days. It's just not enough sometimes. While work and school keep my mind busy, my heart still hurts. I'm okay being single right now, I really am, but 16 year-old Michelle wanted to be married and having her first child by 25 and that's not happening.

Desire.

Why am I a Christian?
     Because I always have been. I can't remember a time before God. Having grown up in the church, I know how to pretend in church. I know the facial expressions to have plastered on my face to show the best "worship" look. I know the right time and degree to raise or lower my hands. I know when tears make me look more "religious."
     I feel like having known God all my life has made me take him for granted. It's like he's been a friend that I've known for forever and I'm good only talking to him every couple of days.
     This post has made me write down a couple of things I've known for a while.
I'm tired of wanting to be a Christian.
I'm tired of "acting" like one.
I'm tired of spending time with them.
I'm tired of religious phrases that I am numb to because they are repeated so often they have lost their meaning.
I'm tired of "wanting" God.
But you know what? I desire God.
I desire for him to be my best friend.
I desire for my life to change.
I desire to be real.
I desire God to be real in my life.
I desire God to be real through my life.

     I've realized that want and desire are two different things, or at least they are in my head/heart. It didn't take much time for me to see the difference, I hope you can see it too.
     Here are how the two words are alike:
Want: to wish, need, crave, or desire
Desire: crave, want, or to express a wish to obtain

     The two differences I found are below:
Want: demand
Desire: ask for or request

     Want seems so selfish. Desire seems like there is heart behind the need; there is a yearning for something, not just a greedy "give me" mentality.

I desire life. I desire love. I desire God.

Mercy.

So tonight I went and saw The Fault in Our Stars (yes, I cried like a baby, but it was a good soul-cleansing cry). There was one part where they quoted a scripture verse and it made me think. It was Psalm 23, and when they started saying it, I started reciting it in my head except I said "mercy" in my head and they said "love" in the movie. I've always known that I am not the most compassionate person in the world (and that's an area I'm really trying to work on), but I've always thought of mercy as a synonym to compassion. If mercy and love are synonyms as well, then love and compassion must be similar too. I have the ability to love deeply and love completely when given the chance (and the person is right - mainly family and close friends up until this point, but I know when the right guy comes along, I will love like I've never known possible, but that's not where I'm going with this). If I have that ability, surely I also have the ability to show compassion. It might not be as much as the next person, but I'm different than the next person, so my abilities will be different. 

I can love. 

I can show mercy. 

I can be compassionate.

Purpose.

So I've had an interesting past couple weeks. Long story short, I've slowly been growing more comfortable with myself and working hard to not dwell on comparing myself to other girls and putting myself down. You see, lately, I've been comparing myself in the aspect of, "why would a guy like that want a girl like me when he can have a girl like her?"

And as much as I'm tired of people telling me that I need to be happy because I won't bring any baggage into a relationship since I haven't experienced heartbreak, etc. I'm realizing that they don't get it... I've built up a wall so high around my heart because if I "don't care" (and add another layer) when no one "wants" me then it won't hurt as much because no one can get close. My heart is so locked up that it will seriously take some hard work and dedication to break through. And I'm scared that no one will try. I desperately want to reveal my heart but I'm terrified.

I just don't know where a "mature" guy is that knows what he wants in life, knows God, and is ready to settle down. I have a hard enough time not comparing myself to other girls I'm around and now I have to "compete" with them? Wait. What?! These girls know how to act around guys and how to handle themselves around guys. I'm an awkward, clumsy oaf around guys. I say things I shouldn't, do stupid stuff, and sometimes get the look of "is she 5?!"... I know the types of guys that fall for the insane amount of flirting I've seen lately aren't the kind of guy I want, but it makes life even better (sarcasm) when I have to watch stuff like that, because it just fuels the "I'm never going to be good enough" flames.

The other day I decided that I was going to start acting like I AM good enough. I AM just as good as this girl or that girl. I AM worthy of being wanted. I AM NOT ugly or a lost cause. I am me. God created me for a reason. I have a purpose.

Fireworks.

So tonight was literally the best 4th of July celebration I've ever experienced for two reasons:

1. I'm here at KAA and surrounded by people that make me feel at home. This place is amazing.  And they really knows how to throw a party. Yes, I missed half of the celebration because we had a kamper get a mild concussion and I had to stay with him in the Health Center. And yes, I didn't get to enjoy the fireworks from start to finish, but this leads to my second reason.

2. This is the first 4th celebration where I don't feel alone. Yes, I'm still single, but I didn't feel alone tonight. Usually, I'll sit on a blanket as fireworks light up the sky and have tears streaming down my face because I want to enjoy this moment with someone special. And year after year it doesn't happen. I sit there with friends or family or both and pretend like I'm having a good time when I'm really falling apart inside. This year was totally different. It's an amazing feeling. God is really working in my life and it couldn't have come at a better time. 

Excitement.

In less than 8 hours, I will be hitting the road for the most amazing summer ever. I'm going to be the kamp nurse at Kids Across America for the next 6 weeks and will be dealing with kids from 12-15 and I am so excited! Ever since last summer, I've known God was calling me to go back to KAA. Kamp life is like no other. My life was changed so much last summer and I can't wait to see what happens this summer! I've been looking forward to this day since last August. God works in the lives of the kids there and it's so amazing to see the transformation. The next 6 weeks will be life-changing. I'm so excited I can't fall asleep!

Future - Part 2

This is more of an update than anything. I passed. I am now an official nurse. Like complete with the additional letters after my name and everything. I can now tell people "oh, I'm a nurse" when they ask what I do. You don't know how much that means to me. 

This is proof that God really does care about the small things in life. He gave me the desire to be a nurse, helped me through years of GRUELING school, and helped me pass the worst test of my life. If this isn't proof that He loves us and is here for us, I don't know what would. There is no way I could've made it without Him.