Like Jane.

So. I'm really on a Pride and Prejudice kick right now. Don't know why…

I've always thought I was just like Elizabeth. Lively, witty, judgmental, not afraid to speak my opinion. 

And in some ways, I guess I still am. But now I'm thinking I'm more like Jane than Lizzy.  I'm not a shy person, unless I'm around new people, or uncomfortable. 

If I'm interested in a guy, I hide my emotions behind a wall. I become closed off and distant. (I come across as indifferent… Like Jane.) Yes, there are times you can see my emotions in my eyes/face… most of the time it's when I'm mad or just peeved. 

When I'm around guy-friends I joke and I'm my usual bubbly self, (probably comes across as flirting) but when I'm around a guy that attracts me, I clam up, close myself off, and probably come across as stuck up. I don't know what to do differently. 

I don't want to go through what Jane went through. Yes, in the end, she gets Mr. Bingley, but not after going through some serious heart-ache. 

I think I'm scared that if I fall in love with a guy, he will change his mind and leave me with a broken heart. I've always dreamed that the first guy I "date" will be the one I marry. I don't want to be one of those girls that dates a new guy every other weekend. I want to give the man I marry my whole heart. 

Alone.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop. All alone. I am the only person here that's by myself. There are a few groups of girls that are just hanging out, several couples on dates, a huge group of college age guys/girls towards the back, and me. Sitting on one of the comfy chairs. Alone. Just loving how fair this is. I don't get this! Where do I need to be?! As I type this, I am almost in tears. I feel so alone. So rejected. Where is he God?! Where is the man you have for me? I can't be alone like this! I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My family loves me, but I feel like no one else does. I don't feel like anyone else cares about me. 

Alone.

I feel joy, I feel pain,

but I have never felt more alone than now.

My heart is screaming to be heard, 

but no one cares.

When will someone love me enough to see the real me?

When will I matter?

Pain.

I heard something the other day that has inspired me ~ so I'm writing more on the topic.

It hurts when you do something nice for your parents (like unload the dishwasher, mow the lawn, etc.) and they don't acknowledge your efforts, doesn't it? How would you feel if you gave a friend an expensive gift and they trashed it?

That's what God did for us. He gave us the most amazing gift and we ignore it. We ignore the fact that He gave his Son. All Jesus wants is to be with us, but we couldn't care less. How painful is that? He wants to be with us so much that he gave up his own life for us. We get distracted by life, our friends, the media, the newest fad. He is fighting to get to us. He is trying to get our attention. And all we do is look the other way. We push him aside. 

You don't realize it until you're far away. It hit me the other day how far I've pushed Him. And all the while, He's still wants to be my #1. 

Watch/listen to Everything by Lifehouse. I get chills. 

He gave his life for me. 

He wants to be with ME. 

And how do I treat him? I let myself get distracted by the world. I push him out of my life. I let others step in front of my relationship with the only "guy" I need in my life right now. 

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my birthday. It should be a happy day, but I'm far from feeling joyful. I had selfishly decided that I would have a boyfriend by tomorrow, but as you can tell, from the venting going on in this post... that didn't happen.

Here's something from one of my favorite books:

Love Unseen ~
 We're all searching for that special love,
 Is love that hard to find?
 Or should we wake the one we know
 So he won't be so blind?
 
 I know I see who you could be
 But your heart won't make the room.
 You're searching for a beginning blossom-- 
 While I'm the flower already in bloom.
 
 I could be someone that you're kissing.
 I have style, beauty, and grace.
 You don't even know what you're missing,
 And I'm right in front of your face.
Never the Bride ~ pg 204-5 

I don't know if I've met the man that God picked just for me, but that poem makes me feel.
I don't know what I feel, but it's there. I am someones better half. God hand picked me. He created me for someone special.

Everything.

This song made me cry. And I was at school when I watched the video.. I was sitting in the library, blinking back tears..

This song/video really makes you think. What distractions are between you and God? It could be anything and everything. Drugs, parties, electronics, friends, fashion, money, and that's just to name a few. For me it's probably books, TV, movies, music, and I make the excuse that I don't have time (because of work and school)..

Watching this really makes me want to shove aside everything and run.

Birthday.

As my birthday approaches, I can't help but notice the feelings of dread and disappointment that are slowly creeping in. Yet another year has flown by. I am happy with my life the way it is, but I'm not ecstatic. I know I should be satisfied with what God is doing in my life, but it's another milestone birthday and I have never even been on a date. I won't date a guy just for the sake of dating, but I would really like to have someone that wants to take me out for coffee or just text me that he hopes my day at school/work will be swell or tell me that he though of me and it made him smile.
I love my family, but I feel like someone is missing. I keep saying that, but it's that feeling you get when you go on a trip. You just know you forgot something, but you can't remember what it was (and you usually don't remember until you need it and can't find it).
I'm going through withdrawal for someone I don't even know. It's hard.

I'm one of those girls that plans out her future. I though I had it all figured out. We would start dating around Thanksgiving, he would propose to me on or around my birthday, and we would get married this October/November.
Well... As you can tell by my previous posts, I have yet to find that special someone.
Yes, God could have just done this to spite me (the positive kind of spite) and show me that He's the boss and has a fantastic plan that has nothing to do with my plans. I keep trying to hand my love story over to the best Author ever, but I'm selfish. I keep pulling the pages back and doodling my ideas on the margins.

Wait.

I am hopeful. Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait.

Why is it so hard for me to grasp this concept? I know God has an AMAZING plan for my life, why is it so hard for me to wait for Him to bring it in His timing?

I keep jumping in and trying to write my love story how I want it to go. I need to just step back and let God take over. Maybe *I'm* the one standing in the way. Maybe it's *me* preventing what I desire most. 

All I need to do is surrender to God. He already knows how my story goes, He's the one that wrote it… it's perfect that way.

Maybe I'm not to that chapter in my life yet. Maybe I keep trying to turn the page before I've finished the last sentence. Maybe I still have a paragraph to go. I don't want to jump ahead and miss some vital piece of the story. God could have already placed the right man in my life and I'm just not ready to know he fits into God's perfect plan. 

I pray for the courage to wait patiently. 

I will move ahead bold and confident. I'll be taking every step in obedience.

Okay God,

I'm turning my love story over to You. I trust You to write in the hero when it's time. Your time. I'm tired of trying to do this on my own. I leave it all up to you.