Future.

So I've been debating on writing this post or not. I've decided that it really doesn't matter either way, so I'm going to write it. Tomorrow is probably the most important day of my life up until now. I take the NCLEX, the State Board of Nursing Licensing Exam, which is only the most important test of my career. This post almost wasn't written because there's that chance that I could fail it and then all of my friends would know, and my family would think I'm a complete and total moron, but then I wouldn't have a totally awesome testimony of how God worked in my life. 

At church yesterday, the pastor talked about how if God gives you a vision, he'll equip you with what you need to accomplish that goal. God has given me the desire and the passion to be a nurse, so tomorrow, when I'm in the middle of my test, I know that He is with me and in control of my outcome. I have prepared for years for this exam, I know (most of) the material, and I know that God is going with me into this test. 

"... with God, all things are possible." Matt. 19:26

Isn't it funny? 

With God, the future seems much less daunting.

Going.

There is so much I want to say right now, but I'm just going to try and say what is on my heart. I'm done. I'm done trying to please other people. I'm done trying to be what everyone wants me to be. I'm done trying to be the daughter/sister/friend my family/friends wants me to be. I'm done trying. It's time to start going. I am going to be who I want to be. I am going to do what makes me happy. I am going to spend time with people that enrich my life instead of tear my life apart. I am going to be happy. I've challenged myself to rid my life of everything that is toxic (including people) and that is stopping me from reaching my full potential. You have my apologies if this offends you, but maybe you need to stop and think why you find it offensive.
My chest feels so much lighter after I've typed this. Please, join me in this next phase of my life. Get rid of the toxic waste that is weighing you down. What have you got to lose?

Easter.

All I do is complain about being single. About not being wanted. About being alone. How do I get past this? I hate complaining (unless it can actually change something) and there are several friends that I feel like I complain to them all the time. Or direct conversations to talk about *my* problems or *my* lack of a relationship. I wish I could stop, but it makes me feel better to talk about it. Like if I don't, I'm going to explode. I know nothing (serious) is wrong with me to still be in this spot in life. "You're rather intimidating," my mom will tell me when we have our talks. I'm sorry that I'm 5'11" and hide my awkwardness behind confidence. I can't help either of those things.

We are in the middle of the "start a relationship" season for some of my friends and quickly approaching the "OMG I'm getting married!" season for others. I'm being left behind. Again. I'm graduating nursing school in 32 days and yet I still feel like a failure.

A friend commented tonight that I must have a ton of texts per month because I was talking with two of my friends at the same time since they both had nothing to do. I told him that my brothers text way more than I do. I wanted to add, "but they do have girlfriends" but again, that's complaining. I don't want to be known as that friend that is always unsatisfied with her relationship status. I know that a man will not complete me. I know I need a stronger relationship with God, but I'm so hurt watching my friends be happy with their significant others and I HAVE NEVER HAD THAT. "You haven't had to deal with the emotional baggage like I have," or, "You'll have such a fresh start," or, "You are so lucky you don't have the damage of a broken relationship." But I've also never been asked out seriously, I've never been complimented (by a guy) seriously, I've never been told I'm beautiful (by non-family or girl-friends). Yes, I am "lucky" enough to not have that emotional baggage/damage of being in love with someone and becoming emotionally attached to them and that relationship ending. BUT, I also don't have love (other than family/best friends). I don't know what it means to be loved. I don't know what it means to love like that. When I started writing this, I had no intentions of turning this into an Easter post, but it's just working out that way. *I* don't have to have love from a guy to be happy. It's a decision I make. I can be happy in who I am and satisfied with God's love for now. Until He brings me to my husband. God will make me ready for that kind of love. I might suck at being patient and the waiting is enough to bring me to tears on nights like this, but you know what? I will make it. It hurts and I absolutely hate it but God loved us enough to send His only Son to DIE for us. I don't have to sacrifice near that much.

Surrender.

           Yesterday was my 23rd birthday. This was the first birthday I've had in a while where I actually felt older. Usually there is no difference, but this time, something changed.
          I'm going to make 23 the best year ever. I'm going to graduate (in 54 days!!), pass the NCLEX on the first try, work as a camp nurse for 6 weeks, get a grown-up job, finally get my own car, move out, and begin my adult life. Yes, it's going to be difficult and I'm probably going to hate it at times, but it's going to be mine. And no one will be able to take that from me. I'm responsible for my own happiness. No one else. I've got to stop letting what other people do or say dictate my emotions. It's time for me to start acting like an adult. Not a grown-up, I'm just tired of feeling like I'm still a teenager. I'm going to be a LEGIT nurse in less than 3 months. It's time I start acting like a professional.

          It's also high time I surrender my pen to God. I've proven time and time again that I cannot write my own love story and I need to stop trying. God has something beyond-my-wildest-dreams amazing planned and I need to let it happen. In HIS timing.

"A quiet challenge deeply touched my spirit in that moment, as if God were tenderly standing before me with tears of boundless love in His eyes, whispering to my heart... You have searched for true love in your own way. But My ways are not your ways. I want to script a beautiful tale just for you, but first you must trust Me with the pen of this precious area of your life. Will you let Me write your love story?" - When God Writes Your Love Story

          I'm done trying to figure this out on my own. God, YOU already know where my story goes. I surrender my pen to you. Bring me to my husband in Your timing. Not mine. As difficult as it will be, I'll wait as long as it takes.

Ready.

Again, I should be doing homework, but apparently my best thoughts come to me when I'm supposed to be doing something important.

Wow. There is so much meaning in such a small word. At least in this instance it is. I am shocked by how much God has done in my heart in the past few days. I am so calm about my future love life right now that it scares me. Yes, the desire to have a "someone special" is still there (and as strong as ever), but the urgency seems to have faded. I'm no longer in a rush to get to the next stage. Yes, I'm balling my eyes out as I type this, but it's a good kind of cry. A much needed cry. My heart is calm. No longer am I crushing over someone that doesn't want me. This ship has sailed. I'm ready for a full heart.  I'm ready to be madly in love with a God that created me to love.
I'm ready to be ready.
I'm ready to be single.

Real.

This past week, my mom has been sick with the flu that's going around in this part of the world, so I talked her into watching "Wives & Daughters" with me (since she LOVES Downton Abbey).
When we got close to the end, the part where Roger is standing outside Molly's house and she rushes to the window to wave good-bye and he walks away; she just sits there. She's somewhat distressed, but still walks back into the parlor and sits down and resumes her needlework. (Yes, she does eventually run after him, but it's not immediate.) My mom turned to me and said that I was in danger of being very much like Molly at this part. She said that I put off an over confident, independent vibe that will push people away (especially deter men from pursuing me).
How do I break down the walls I've put up around my heart? The confidence that masks what's really going on? That underneath that confident, independent exterior, is just a young woman that is afraid to show her true self? I am insecure most of the time, even around close friends, but I hide it by making people laugh or by being sarcastic. How do I let the vulnerable me show? I'm terrified of letting that part out. Of having the real part of me hurt, pushed aside, made fun of, or left alone.  How do I break down the walls and let the real Michelle be free? And let people in.

Okay.

Patience has never been one of my strong suits. I'm a firstborn, independent, "confident" female and I want things done now, and if they can't, I just do them myself. (Which is one reason this whole waiting-for-the-right-guy-to-come-along business is such a problem. "I can fix it myself" doesn't work in this situation. Anyways...) 

How does one become content where God has placed them? I know I will never be content. God has not called me to be single. I need people. I just need to be okay where He has me. Not happy, not sad; not miserable, not wonderful. Just okay. I'm getting to the point where I am honestly okay where God has me. Seriously. (If only I can learn to stay off Facebook and avoid the posts/statuses/pictures of friends getting married/engaged.) God is keeping me from my future husband for a reason. I just need to be patient. Yes, that is easier said than done, but there *is* a reason.