Purpose.

So I've had an interesting past couple weeks. Long story short, I've slowly been growing more comfortable with myself and working hard to not dwell on comparing myself to other girls and putting myself down. You see, lately, I've been comparing myself in the aspect of, "why would a guy like that want a girl like me when he can have a girl like her?"

And as much as I'm tired of people telling me that I need to be happy because I won't bring any baggage into a relationship since I haven't experienced heartbreak, etc. I'm realizing that they don't get it... I've built up a wall so high around my heart because if I "don't care" (and add another layer) when no one "wants" me then it won't hurt as much because no one can get close. My heart is so locked up that it will seriously take some hard work and dedication to break through. And I'm scared that no one will try. I desperately want to reveal my heart but I'm terrified.

I just don't know where a "mature" guy is that knows what he wants in life, knows God, and is ready to settle down. I have a hard enough time not comparing myself to other girls I'm around and now I have to "compete" with them? Wait. What?! These girls know how to act around guys and how to handle themselves around guys. I'm an awkward, clumsy oaf around guys. I say things I shouldn't, do stupid stuff, and sometimes get the look of "is she 5?!"... I know the types of guys that fall for the insane amount of flirting I've seen lately aren't the kind of guy I want, but it makes life even better (sarcasm) when I have to watch stuff like that, because it just fuels the "I'm never going to be good enough" flames.

The other day I decided that I was going to start acting like I AM good enough. I AM just as good as this girl or that girl. I AM worthy of being wanted. I AM NOT ugly or a lost cause. I am me. God created me for a reason. I have a purpose.

Fireworks.

So tonight was literally the best 4th of July celebration I've ever experienced for two reasons:

1. I'm here at KAA and surrounded by people that make me feel at home. This place is amazing.  And they really knows how to throw a party. Yes, I missed half of the celebration because we had a kamper get a mild concussion and I had to stay with him in the Health Center. And yes, I didn't get to enjoy the fireworks from start to finish, but this leads to my second reason.

2. This is the first 4th celebration where I don't feel alone. Yes, I'm still single, but I didn't feel alone tonight. Usually, I'll sit on a blanket as fireworks light up the sky and have tears streaming down my face because I want to enjoy this moment with someone special. And year after year it doesn't happen. I sit there with friends or family or both and pretend like I'm having a good time when I'm really falling apart inside. This year was totally different. It's an amazing feeling. God is really working in my life and it couldn't have come at a better time. 

Excitement.

In less than 8 hours, I will be hitting the road for the most amazing summer ever. I'm going to be the kamp nurse at Kids Across America for the next 6 weeks and will be dealing with kids from 12-15 and I am so excited! Ever since last summer, I've known God was calling me to go back to KAA. Kamp life is like no other. My life was changed so much last summer and I can't wait to see what happens this summer! I've been looking forward to this day since last August. God works in the lives of the kids there and it's so amazing to see the transformation. The next 6 weeks will be life-changing. I'm so excited I can't fall asleep!

Future - Part 2

This is more of an update than anything. I passed. I am now an official nurse. Like complete with the additional letters after my name and everything. I can now tell people "oh, I'm a nurse" when they ask what I do. You don't know how much that means to me. 

This is proof that God really does care about the small things in life. He gave me the desire to be a nurse, helped me through years of GRUELING school, and helped me pass the worst test of my life. If this isn't proof that He loves us and is here for us, I don't know what would. There is no way I could've made it without Him. 

Future.

So I've been debating on writing this post or not. I've decided that it really doesn't matter either way, so I'm going to write it. Tomorrow is probably the most important day of my life up until now. I take the NCLEX, the State Board of Nursing Licensing Exam, which is only the most important test of my career. This post almost wasn't written because there's that chance that I could fail it and then all of my friends would know, and my family would think I'm a complete and total moron, but then I wouldn't have a totally awesome testimony of how God worked in my life. 

At church yesterday, the pastor talked about how if God gives you a vision, he'll equip you with what you need to accomplish that goal. God has given me the desire and the passion to be a nurse, so tomorrow, when I'm in the middle of my test, I know that He is with me and in control of my outcome. I have prepared for years for this exam, I know (most of) the material, and I know that God is going with me into this test. 

"... with God, all things are possible." Matt. 19:26

Isn't it funny? 

With God, the future seems much less daunting.

Going.

There is so much I want to say right now, but I'm just going to try and say what is on my heart. I'm done. I'm done trying to please other people. I'm done trying to be what everyone wants me to be. I'm done trying to be the daughter/sister/friend my family/friends wants me to be. I'm done trying. It's time to start going. I am going to be who I want to be. I am going to do what makes me happy. I am going to spend time with people that enrich my life instead of tear my life apart. I am going to be happy. I've challenged myself to rid my life of everything that is toxic (including people) and that is stopping me from reaching my full potential. You have my apologies if this offends you, but maybe you need to stop and think why you find it offensive.
My chest feels so much lighter after I've typed this. Please, join me in this next phase of my life. Get rid of the toxic waste that is weighing you down. What have you got to lose?

Easter.

All I do is complain about being single. About not being wanted. About being alone. How do I get past this? I hate complaining (unless it can actually change something) and there are several friends that I feel like I complain to them all the time. Or direct conversations to talk about *my* problems or *my* lack of a relationship. I wish I could stop, but it makes me feel better to talk about it. Like if I don't, I'm going to explode. I know nothing (serious) is wrong with me to still be in this spot in life. "You're rather intimidating," my mom will tell me when we have our talks. I'm sorry that I'm 5'11" and hide my awkwardness behind confidence. I can't help either of those things.

We are in the middle of the "start a relationship" season for some of my friends and quickly approaching the "OMG I'm getting married!" season for others. I'm being left behind. Again. I'm graduating nursing school in 32 days and yet I still feel like a failure.

A friend commented tonight that I must have a ton of texts per month because I was talking with two of my friends at the same time since they both had nothing to do. I told him that my brothers text way more than I do. I wanted to add, "but they do have girlfriends" but again, that's complaining. I don't want to be known as that friend that is always unsatisfied with her relationship status. I know that a man will not complete me. I know I need a stronger relationship with God, but I'm so hurt watching my friends be happy with their significant others and I HAVE NEVER HAD THAT. "You haven't had to deal with the emotional baggage like I have," or, "You'll have such a fresh start," or, "You are so lucky you don't have the damage of a broken relationship." But I've also never been asked out seriously, I've never been complimented (by a guy) seriously, I've never been told I'm beautiful (by non-family or girl-friends). Yes, I am "lucky" enough to not have that emotional baggage/damage of being in love with someone and becoming emotionally attached to them and that relationship ending. BUT, I also don't have love (other than family/best friends). I don't know what it means to be loved. I don't know what it means to love like that. When I started writing this, I had no intentions of turning this into an Easter post, but it's just working out that way. *I* don't have to have love from a guy to be happy. It's a decision I make. I can be happy in who I am and satisfied with God's love for now. Until He brings me to my husband. God will make me ready for that kind of love. I might suck at being patient and the waiting is enough to bring me to tears on nights like this, but you know what? I will make it. It hurts and I absolutely hate it but God loved us enough to send His only Son to DIE for us. I don't have to sacrifice near that much.