Answers.

What does it mean when you pray for something and a possible answer presents itself? I prayed for more opportunities and it happened. I am so confused. Was it just chance or was it a partial answer to my prayer??
I'm typing this on my iPod as I wait for my parents plane to land. So I can't expound as much as I would like. But I just need to voice my thoughts right now. Was this an answer? Or was it just a random happening? I wish I had the answers to those questions. :/

Singleness.

I have only become satisfied in my singleness in the past few weeks. Up until the beginning of last month, I was unhappy with my life and the direction God was taking me. I bought a book called "Am I the One? - Clues to Finding and Becoming a Person Worth Marrying" at a used bookstore just by chance. It has changed my entire view of singleness. God has kept me single for a reason. I need to love God with everything I have before I bring a man into my life. After reading this book, I realized I am not a person worth marrying. Now. I am a Christian, but I am not in a CLOSE relationship with God. I have started to fall in love with God. It's an amazing feeling! I am still learning who I am as a person and who God has called me to become. God is doing some wonderful things in my life right now and He continues to amaze me every day! I also bought one of those daily Bibles and that has helped me grow SO much. It used to be a chore to read the Bible and this has kept me accountable and actually given me such a desire to read the Bible.

Here's a paragraph that I read tonight:
Singleness is a gift because God gives it to everyone. No one starts out married. And singleness is a gift because it provides us time to think and do things without the encumbrances of marriage. It gives the time to "be devoted to the Lord without distractions" (1 Corinthians 7: 35)

Dream.

I had an incredible dream last night. I met the man I am going to marry.
I don't remember what he looked like, but he was amazing. I usually don't remember what people say in my dreams, but what he said to me really stood out.
He said, "Wait for me to find you. I'm just waiting for you to be ready. God is working in your life right now, and I don't want to step in and mess things up. Just be patient and let God have His way with you. I'm not going anywhere."
Oh. My. Goodness.

Why?

I know it's been a long time since I posted, but I just haven't had the time. Life gets going and before you know it, a month has gone by.

Anyways. I got back from a two-week trip to Ireland on Monday (It was amazing by the way!!) and I just wanted to point this out:

They showed No Strings Attached on the airplane coming home from Dublin. I hadn't watched it because it was rated R for lots of stuff.

I didn't mind the movie. I thought it was pretty good and I really wondered why it had been rated R... It seemed to me that it could have been PG and been fine.. hardly any language, no "bad scenes," etc.

 So. I just looked it up on IMDb... WOW! They took out a LOT of stuff... I mean A LOT of stuff!! Language, dialogue, entire scenes... you get the drift. (WOULD NOT RECOMMEND THE MOVIE.)

My point is:
Why? Why do we feel the need to add all that garbage to movies? It was perfectly fine without all the "extras". I was shocked when I saw how much sexual content (even dialogue) was in that movie. And language? Is it really necessary to use the cuss words to emphasize your point?!

Like Jane.

So. I'm really on a Pride and Prejudice kick right now. Don't know why…

I've always thought I was just like Elizabeth. Lively, witty, judgmental, not afraid to speak my opinion. 

And in some ways, I guess I still am. But now I'm thinking I'm more like Jane than Lizzy.  I'm not a shy person, unless I'm around new people, or uncomfortable. 

If I'm interested in a guy, I hide my emotions behind a wall. I become closed off and distant. (I come across as indifferent… Like Jane.) Yes, there are times you can see my emotions in my eyes/face… most of the time it's when I'm mad or just peeved. 

When I'm around guy-friends I joke and I'm my usual bubbly self, (probably comes across as flirting) but when I'm around a guy that attracts me, I clam up, close myself off, and probably come across as stuck up. I don't know what to do differently. 

I don't want to go through what Jane went through. Yes, in the end, she gets Mr. Bingley, but not after going through some serious heart-ache. 

I think I'm scared that if I fall in love with a guy, he will change his mind and leave me with a broken heart. I've always dreamed that the first guy I "date" will be the one I marry. I don't want to be one of those girls that dates a new guy every other weekend. I want to give the man I marry my whole heart. 

Alone.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop. All alone. I am the only person here that's by myself. There are a few groups of girls that are just hanging out, several couples on dates, a huge group of college age guys/girls towards the back, and me. Sitting on one of the comfy chairs. Alone. Just loving how fair this is. I don't get this! Where do I need to be?! As I type this, I am almost in tears. I feel so alone. So rejected. Where is he God?! Where is the man you have for me? I can't be alone like this! I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My family loves me, but I feel like no one else does. I don't feel like anyone else cares about me. 

Alone.

I feel joy, I feel pain,

but I have never felt more alone than now.

My heart is screaming to be heard, 

but no one cares.

When will someone love me enough to see the real me?

When will I matter?

Pain.

I heard something the other day that has inspired me ~ so I'm writing more on the topic.

It hurts when you do something nice for your parents (like unload the dishwasher, mow the lawn, etc.) and they don't acknowledge your efforts, doesn't it? How would you feel if you gave a friend an expensive gift and they trashed it?

That's what God did for us. He gave us the most amazing gift and we ignore it. We ignore the fact that He gave his Son. All Jesus wants is to be with us, but we couldn't care less. How painful is that? He wants to be with us so much that he gave up his own life for us. We get distracted by life, our friends, the media, the newest fad. He is fighting to get to us. He is trying to get our attention. And all we do is look the other way. We push him aside. 

You don't realize it until you're far away. It hit me the other day how far I've pushed Him. And all the while, He's still wants to be my #1. 

Watch/listen to Everything by Lifehouse. I get chills. 

He gave his life for me. 

He wants to be with ME. 

And how do I treat him? I let myself get distracted by the world. I push him out of my life. I let others step in front of my relationship with the only "guy" I need in my life right now.