All I do is complain about being single. About not being wanted. About being alone. How do I get past this? I hate complaining (unless it can actually change something) and there are several friends that I feel like I complain to them all the time. Or direct conversations to talk about *my* problems or *my* lack of a relationship. I wish I could stop, but it makes me feel better to talk about it. Like if I don't, I'm going to explode. I know nothing (serious) is wrong with me to still be in this spot in life. "You're rather intimidating," my mom will tell me when we have our talks. I'm sorry that I'm 5'11" and hide my awkwardness behind confidence. I can't help either of those things.
We are in the middle of the "start a relationship" season for some of my friends and quickly approaching the "OMG I'm getting married!" season for others. I'm being left behind. Again. I'm graduating nursing school in 32 days and yet I still feel like a failure.
A friend commented tonight that I must have a ton of texts per month because I was talking with two of my friends at the same time since they both had nothing to do. I told him that my brothers text way more than I do. I wanted to add, "but they do have girlfriends" but again, that's complaining. I don't want to be known as that friend that is always unsatisfied with her relationship status. I know that a man will not complete me. I know I need a stronger relationship with God, but I'm so hurt watching my friends be happy with their significant others and I HAVE NEVER HAD THAT. "You haven't had to deal with the emotional baggage like I have," or, "You'll have such a fresh start," or, "You are so lucky you don't have the damage of a broken relationship." But I've also never been asked out seriously, I've never been complimented (by a guy) seriously, I've never been told I'm beautiful (by non-family or girl-friends). Yes, I am "lucky" enough to not have that emotional baggage/damage of being in love with someone and becoming emotionally attached to them and that relationship ending. BUT, I also don't have love (other than family/best friends). I don't know what it means to be loved. I don't know what it means to love like that. When I started writing this, I had no intentions of turning this into an Easter post, but it's just working out that way. *I* don't have to have love from a guy to be happy. It's a decision I make. I can be happy in who I am and satisfied with God's love for now. Until He brings me to my husband. God will make me ready for that kind of love. I might suck at being patient and the waiting is enough to bring me to tears on nights like this, but you know what? I will make it. It hurts and I absolutely hate it but God loved us enough to send His only Son to DIE for us. I don't have to sacrifice near that much.
