Mercy.

So tonight I went and saw The Fault in Our Stars (yes, I cried like a baby, but it was a good soul-cleansing cry). There was one part where they quoted a scripture verse and it made me think. It was Psalm 23, and when they started saying it, I started reciting it in my head except I said "mercy" in my head and they said "love" in the movie. I've always known that I am not the most compassionate person in the world (and that's an area I'm really trying to work on), but I've always thought of mercy as a synonym to compassion. If mercy and love are synonyms as well, then love and compassion must be similar too. I have the ability to love deeply and love completely when given the chance (and the person is right - mainly family and close friends up until this point, but I know when the right guy comes along, I will love like I've never known possible, but that's not where I'm going with this). If I have that ability, surely I also have the ability to show compassion. It might not be as much as the next person, but I'm different than the next person, so my abilities will be different. 

I can love. 

I can show mercy. 

I can be compassionate.

Purpose.

So I've had an interesting past couple weeks. Long story short, I've slowly been growing more comfortable with myself and working hard to not dwell on comparing myself to other girls and putting myself down. You see, lately, I've been comparing myself in the aspect of, "why would a guy like that want a girl like me when he can have a girl like her?"

And as much as I'm tired of people telling me that I need to be happy because I won't bring any baggage into a relationship since I haven't experienced heartbreak, etc. I'm realizing that they don't get it... I've built up a wall so high around my heart because if I "don't care" (and add another layer) when no one "wants" me then it won't hurt as much because no one can get close. My heart is so locked up that it will seriously take some hard work and dedication to break through. And I'm scared that no one will try. I desperately want to reveal my heart but I'm terrified.

I just don't know where a "mature" guy is that knows what he wants in life, knows God, and is ready to settle down. I have a hard enough time not comparing myself to other girls I'm around and now I have to "compete" with them? Wait. What?! These girls know how to act around guys and how to handle themselves around guys. I'm an awkward, clumsy oaf around guys. I say things I shouldn't, do stupid stuff, and sometimes get the look of "is she 5?!"... I know the types of guys that fall for the insane amount of flirting I've seen lately aren't the kind of guy I want, but it makes life even better (sarcasm) when I have to watch stuff like that, because it just fuels the "I'm never going to be good enough" flames.

The other day I decided that I was going to start acting like I AM good enough. I AM just as good as this girl or that girl. I AM worthy of being wanted. I AM NOT ugly or a lost cause. I am me. God created me for a reason. I have a purpose.

Fireworks.

So tonight was literally the best 4th of July celebration I've ever experienced for two reasons:

1. I'm here at KAA and surrounded by people that make me feel at home. This place is amazing.  And they really knows how to throw a party. Yes, I missed half of the celebration because we had a kamper get a mild concussion and I had to stay with him in the Health Center. And yes, I didn't get to enjoy the fireworks from start to finish, but this leads to my second reason.

2. This is the first 4th celebration where I don't feel alone. Yes, I'm still single, but I didn't feel alone tonight. Usually, I'll sit on a blanket as fireworks light up the sky and have tears streaming down my face because I want to enjoy this moment with someone special. And year after year it doesn't happen. I sit there with friends or family or both and pretend like I'm having a good time when I'm really falling apart inside. This year was totally different. It's an amazing feeling. God is really working in my life and it couldn't have come at a better time.