This past week, my mom has been sick with the flu that's going around in this part of the world, so I talked her into watching "Wives & Daughters" with me (since she LOVES Downton Abbey).
When we got close to the end, the part where Roger is standing outside Molly's house and she rushes to the window to wave good-bye and he walks away; she just sits there. She's somewhat distressed, but still walks back into the parlor and sits down and resumes her needlework. (Yes, she does eventually run after him, but it's not immediate.) My mom turned to me and said that I was in danger of being very much like Molly at this part. She said that I put off an over confident, independent vibe that will push people away (especially deter men from pursuing me).
How do I break down the walls I've put up around my heart? The confidence that masks what's really going on? That underneath that confident, independent exterior, is just a young woman that is afraid to show her true self? I am insecure most of the time, even around close friends, but I hide it by making people laugh or by being sarcastic. How do I let the vulnerable me show? I'm terrified of letting that part out. Of having the real part of me hurt, pushed aside, made fun of, or left alone. How do I break down the walls and let the real Michelle be free? And let people in.
Thank you for sharing that, it's hard writing publicly something like this, and yet that in itself can be a sort of freedom.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to that very much, in fact even my dad has told me in the last year that I run far deeper than he ever knew, and he feels he doesn't hardly know me. It scares me to be vulnerable because if people don't care, don't understand or they use you then it hurts like nothing else in this world, so we hide, we protect ourselves. I will pray for you, dear girl. It's a scary place to be...and yet, sometimes when we do open up we can be blessed in ways we never experienced before. I don't let people in, really in, very well...but maybe, maybe we can work on it together.