Family.

This is not the type of post I want to write at Christmas. This is not the type of post I ever want to write. I am unhappy. Yes, I have been blessed by getting such a wonderful (most of the time) family and I have great friends, but I am not happy. I've just spent the past half hour crying off all of my makeup. It's a combination of hormones, yet another Christmas alone, not having the family time like we used to, lack of decent sleep, watching too many sappy Christmas movies, being alone/unloved/unwanted, and not knowing what I'm supposed to do with my life. I'm tired of having a bad attitude around my family and not knowing how to pretend being happy.
I wish my family did family stuff. I hate not being able to talk to anyone because they are all busy with family during the holidays and my family doesn't do anything. That's one of the things I miss about Michigan. My grandparents would make the rounds to all the grandkids on Christmas morning and then we would all go over for dinner. I miss the big family stuff more than I thought I would.

I really don't have anything more to say. Probably shouldn't.

Wanted.

Last night, on my way home, the song "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes came on the radio. I smiled because it's one of the songs I really like right now. And then I almost choked up, because I realize this song is what I want. I have never felt wanted. Never felt accepted by people other than my close friends. I'm always that "odd duck" that you don't understand if you don't know me. I've never had a boyfriend, never been seriously asked out (random guys in Walmart don't count) and I'm just tired of feeling unwanted and alone and like no one cares. I pray all the time about this, but it's still hard to handle. I get to the point where I'm okay being single and then it's like the singleness reaches up and slaps me in the face. Like a "Haha. You're still alone. And that's never going to change." I want to be patient and wait on God's timing, but it's hard to deal with life when my thoughts and emotions are tied up in knots. Everyone tells me "focus on school," "get done with school before you start a relationship," "it'll happen in God's timing," "just wait on God." And you know what? I am SICK of hearing that. When someone is single, you don't tell them that it'll be okay. That it will work out. That school is what they need to focus on right now. Because you know what?! They know that already. I'm not saying you should lie to them and tell them that they'll meet Mr. or Mrs. Right tomorrow, but seriously! Having someone tell you to be patient and finish this, or wait for that, is like a punch in the stomach every time. It's like slapping a big sign on our faces saying "This person is alone. This person has no one. There is something wrong with this person. No one wants this person." 

Okay... Enough venting for now. That felt good. I'm not re-reading that so sorry if there's an error or two... It was some pretty heated typing. Now I need to get back to studying for school. Yay. But at least it's "free of distraction" as my married/dating/happy friends so often remind me. Yeah... There's nothing distracting about constantly thinking about being alone. Back to school.

'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
Yeah, I, I wanna make you feel wanted

Growing up.

• Well... I'm trying to figure out how to tell that guy that I'm not interested. He's a great guy, but those red flags....
  I was raised in a home where keeping your heart for your future spouse is highly encouraged. That, even though we have a lot of things in common, the things we don't are just too different for me. He drinks too much ( I don't mind the occasional beer or something, but when he tells me he's getting drunk at weddings, I'm not cool with that). He's made multiple references to girls he's dated and with us meeting in Branson being my first date ever... It's very likely he hasn't saved himself or at least most of his heart for me. He's not the man I pictured giving my heart to. He told me it was hard for him to not hold my hand that night. 
  
  I feel like I've missed the friendship stage. I'm actually going to get off Match when my subscription expires... As much as I want a boyfriend, someone to take me out for movies/dinner/hanging out, I want a firm relationship with God more. I need to learn to be content where God has me and then the blessings will flow. I'm feeling more and more like that. And that's another thing about this guy. His faith isn't evident. (When I told my mom that that made the list, she smiled at me and said, "You're really growing up." That meant a ton to me.)
• The college group at my church has found women to disciple us and the woman they found for me is awesome! We're reading The Resolution for Women right now.. That book, in addition to how I'm beginning to accept and feeling okay about where God has me in life, has really opened my eyes to how selfish, wasteful with all that God has blessed me with now, lazy, and downright stupid I've been.

First Date.

So... Tomorrow (well actually today if you look at the clock) I'm going on a date. A first date. A (mostly) blind date. This guy and I started talking almost a month ago and we're finally meeting for the first time tomorrow. I'm nervous, anxious, scared, excited, and happy all rolled into one. From what I can tell about this guy, he's wonderful. But the negative/skeptical side of me is also on its toes because I really don't know much about him. We haven't been friends for years, and he's not the friend of a friend, this guy is a total stranger. And that scares me. I know things could go amazingly well and I will want to keep getting to know this guy, but I'm also afraid that *will* happen. Am I ready for this? I've always complained that I've never had a boyfriend. I think I'm finally ready for it to be my turn.

God, I'm giving you tomorrow. I know this might be it, or I could be getting in the way. You have a perfect plan for me and I want to step aside and let that happen. If tomorrow is supposed to be the start of something, I pray that you will give me the ability to relax and be myself. If I'm blocking your will, give me the strength to get through tomorrow gracefully and with the right attitude.
As You wish.

Someone.

Watching my friends "grow up" and find someone special and start their own families has really been hard for me, but I've learned to adjust... I thought I was fine. Until last Sunday, when I finally figured out why I keep "looking" for a guy of my own: I want someone. I want someone that texts me first thing in the morning. I want someone that will text me right before I go to bed. I want someone to call me and ask how my day is going. I want someone to take me out for ice cream. I want someone to take me on a picnic. I want someone to watch movies with. I want someone to want to spend time with me. 

This is really hard for me to admit, but I'm giving serious thought to online dating. I'm only 22, but I don't do anything where I meet new people. I'm stuck in the same circles of friends and I need to branch out some, but I don't know how. I'm ready to meet someone.

Letting Go.

I'm done. I'm tired of wondering if this guy or that guy likes me. I'm tired of wasting my emotions on guys that don't know I exist. Enough is enough. If a guy is seriously interested in me, he needs to (for lack of a better phrase) take me off the market. If he's not, he needs to not toy with my heart and get my emotions in knots. Guys don't know what some girls read in actions and words. We read a lot into what guys do - be it good or bad. The guy could just be friendly and super nice, but we read into every little detail of the conversation, pulling out the "he likes me!" stuff we see. It's rather tiresome. I know I've done quite a bit of reading into guys. But no more. I'm sure I'll still see things that aren't there, but I'm not going to start planning our wedding, decorating our house, naming our children, etc. (You know... Being a girl.) I'm growing up. I'm letting go of MY plans for my love life and letting God take back control of my story.

Christmas Magic.

Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love everything about it. (Except for the crowds, lines, traffic, and the commercialism we tie to the Holidays.) Christmas came way too fast this year. I don't feel like I got to experience the whole Christmas season. It breaks my heart to think of all the Christmas traditions my family didn't do this year, and it hurts even more because they probably won't happen again next year.
I miss the Christmas of my childhood. Not because of Santa and the presents (we never believed in Santa as kids), but because of the magic of Christmas. The magic that covers you with happiness and joy. The magic of lights and ornaments and trees. The magic that tragically disappears with the innocence of being a kid.
Why do we have to lose that? Why can't adults still see the magic that Christmas brings? I can barely see glimmers of it when I see a child excited about Christmas. I can see it in the lights on houses and the decorations that line the shops. But it's just a flicker. Like the flame of a candle that's going out. I remember when that flicker was like the Christmas tree lights in our living room. Turn out the lamp, and the whole room glows. It fills your hearts with warmth, and love, and joy. I can't help but smile, remembering that feeling. Of being so happy that you can't contain it.
I want to feel that magic again.