Letting Go.

I'm done. I'm tired of wondering if this guy or that guy likes me. I'm tired of wasting my emotions on guys that don't know I exist. Enough is enough. If a guy is seriously interested in me, he needs to (for lack of a better phrase) take me off the market. If he's not, he needs to not toy with my heart and get my emotions in knots. Guys don't know what some girls read in actions and words. We read a lot into what guys do - be it good or bad. The guy could just be friendly and super nice, but we read into every little detail of the conversation, pulling out the "he likes me!" stuff we see. It's rather tiresome. I know I've done quite a bit of reading into guys. But no more. I'm sure I'll still see things that aren't there, but I'm not going to start planning our wedding, decorating our house, naming our children, etc. (You know... Being a girl.) I'm growing up. I'm letting go of MY plans for my love life and letting God take back control of my story.

Christmas Magic.

Christmas is my favorite time of year. I love everything about it. (Except for the crowds, lines, traffic, and the commercialism we tie to the Holidays.) Christmas came way too fast this year. I don't feel like I got to experience the whole Christmas season. It breaks my heart to think of all the Christmas traditions my family didn't do this year, and it hurts even more because they probably won't happen again next year.
I miss the Christmas of my childhood. Not because of Santa and the presents (we never believed in Santa as kids), but because of the magic of Christmas. The magic that covers you with happiness and joy. The magic of lights and ornaments and trees. The magic that tragically disappears with the innocence of being a kid.
Why do we have to lose that? Why can't adults still see the magic that Christmas brings? I can barely see glimmers of it when I see a child excited about Christmas. I can see it in the lights on houses and the decorations that line the shops. But it's just a flicker. Like the flame of a candle that's going out. I remember when that flicker was like the Christmas tree lights in our living room. Turn out the lamp, and the whole room glows. It fills your hearts with warmth, and love, and joy. I can't help but smile, remembering that feeling. Of being so happy that you can't contain it.
I want to feel that magic again.

Emotions.

Found this in a book I'm reading about keeping your emotions pure. It really made me think about God's view in my life.
Hope you enjoy:

God,
My life is in Your hands. You provide for me moment by moment. I ask that You open my eyes to see Your unfailing love for me and allow my stubborn heart to trust You fully. I know that I will not be single a day longer than You want me to be and that I will find rest from this mind game of wondering and waiting. Open doors of ministry for me so that I may serve where You want me to serve. Help me protect my emotions from the pitfall of having intimacy before commitment. All I want or all that could satisfy me is wrapped up in my relationship with You. Allow me to rest in You and fall more in love with you each day.

Amen.

Happy.

I feel like I'm starting to be happy again. It's been too long. I'm normally a happy person, but I haven't felt like I've had a lot to be happy for. Thankful? Yes. I know I'm truly blessed to have the life I do (totally amazing family, close friends, etc.), but I just haven't felt happy (kind of like when your smile doesn't reach your eyes). I'm not depressed or unhappy, I'm just not HAPPY. I'm getting there again, just not there yet.
What does it take to regain your happiness? I can think of a few things that I feel like would make me happy again, but I don't want to be one of those people that always want more to be satisfied.
Seriously though, How can I become happy again? What will it take for me to become myself?

Relief.

That moment where you decide to let God take over certain aspects of your life, namely a certain guy you REALLY like (way more than a kiddie crush), and you feel this peace that you didn't know existed. OMG. 

Yeah... I met this guy and I don't know how to describe him, he's so unlike any guy I've met before. He's so totally amazing and I could really see myself falling for him rather easily. We spent quite a bit of time together a few weeks ago and talked a lot. And then there was nothing. No texts, no Facebook, nothing. I don't get it. He basically started ignoring me. I mean I know life gets busy, but seriously? I didn't say/do anything to cause this. 

Anyways... I realized that if he's not the man God has for me, I sure am wasting a lot of time dreaming about this guy. I seriously like this guy, but I'm not going to sit around mope if he doesn't see what he's missing. :) 

God seriously got a hold of me yesterday and sort of kicked me in the pants. If it's supposed to happen, it will. I can't do one thing about it. Keep living.

What a relief. I don't have to worry about it anymore.

Leap Day 2012

Well... I really didn't feel like posting anything, but I realized how potentially beneficial this could be to write how/where I am in life on this Leap Day and next time there's a Leap Day, I will compare lists. :)

1. I'm single
2. I'm in nursing school
3. I'm blonde
4. Still living at home (Hey! I'm only 20!)
5. I'm 20
6. Hannah is my best friend in the whole entire world
7. J&J just got engaged tonight
8. Nate is a senior 
9. Ryan is a freshmen
10. I feel so lonely right now
11. I'm healthy
12. Can't play guitar yet
13. Favorite books right now are the Hunger Games series (can't wait for the movie!)
14. Favorite song is A Thousand Years by Christina Perri followed by Always Only You by Josh Wilson
15. Favorite artist is probably Michael Buble
16. Favorite movie is The Young Victoria
17. Favorite TV show is either Castle or Alias
18. Cooking is a great hobby
19. Only been to Ireland and the Toronto Airport

Well, if I want to post this on Leap Day, I had better wrap this up...

I'm done for tonight. Emotionally spent.

Goodnight.

Dreams.

So last night I had a dream that I married Mr. Bates from Downton Abbey. (We saw a clip from an episode last night so it wasn't as random as it sounds. :) Anyways. It's super depressing to wake up after being happily married and realizing you are still single. And still alone.

Nothing else to say. Life is pretty much the same. I'm in nursing school. That's about it.

True understanding.

Why is it when I see my 14-18 year old friends on facebook go from "being in a relationship" to "single" I want to like it?! Is it because I'm not in a relationship so I enjoy when others feel my pain? Nope. It's because yesterday they were professing their love for the other person and bragging how they were the perfect couple and tomorrow they will say something depressing about how the other person ruined their life, but the next day will post something about the leftovers they are eating for lunch. I don't get it. When does the true understanding of love and relationships begin?