Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my birthday. It should be a happy day, but I'm far from feeling joyful. I had selfishly decided that I would have a boyfriend by tomorrow, but as you can tell, from the venting going on in this post... that didn't happen.

Here's something from one of my favorite books:

Love Unseen ~
 We're all searching for that special love,
 Is love that hard to find?
 Or should we wake the one we know
 So he won't be so blind?
 
 I know I see who you could be
 But your heart won't make the room.
 You're searching for a beginning blossom-- 
 While I'm the flower already in bloom.
 
 I could be someone that you're kissing.
 I have style, beauty, and grace.
 You don't even know what you're missing,
 And I'm right in front of your face.
Never the Bride ~ pg 204-5 

I don't know if I've met the man that God picked just for me, but that poem makes me feel.
I don't know what I feel, but it's there. I am someones better half. God hand picked me. He created me for someone special.

Everything.

This song made me cry. And I was at school when I watched the video.. I was sitting in the library, blinking back tears..

This song/video really makes you think. What distractions are between you and God? It could be anything and everything. Drugs, parties, electronics, friends, fashion, money, and that's just to name a few. For me it's probably books, TV, movies, music, and I make the excuse that I don't have time (because of work and school)..

Watching this really makes me want to shove aside everything and run.

Birthday.

As my birthday approaches, I can't help but notice the feelings of dread and disappointment that are slowly creeping in. Yet another year has flown by. I am happy with my life the way it is, but I'm not ecstatic. I know I should be satisfied with what God is doing in my life, but it's another milestone birthday and I have never even been on a date. I won't date a guy just for the sake of dating, but I would really like to have someone that wants to take me out for coffee or just text me that he hopes my day at school/work will be swell or tell me that he though of me and it made him smile.
I love my family, but I feel like someone is missing. I keep saying that, but it's that feeling you get when you go on a trip. You just know you forgot something, but you can't remember what it was (and you usually don't remember until you need it and can't find it).
I'm going through withdrawal for someone I don't even know. It's hard.

I'm one of those girls that plans out her future. I though I had it all figured out. We would start dating around Thanksgiving, he would propose to me on or around my birthday, and we would get married this October/November.
Well... As you can tell by my previous posts, I have yet to find that special someone.
Yes, God could have just done this to spite me (the positive kind of spite) and show me that He's the boss and has a fantastic plan that has nothing to do with my plans. I keep trying to hand my love story over to the best Author ever, but I'm selfish. I keep pulling the pages back and doodling my ideas on the margins.

Wait.

I am hopeful. Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait.

Why is it so hard for me to grasp this concept? I know God has an AMAZING plan for my life, why is it so hard for me to wait for Him to bring it in His timing?

I keep jumping in and trying to write my love story how I want it to go. I need to just step back and let God take over. Maybe *I'm* the one standing in the way. Maybe it's *me* preventing what I desire most. 

All I need to do is surrender to God. He already knows how my story goes, He's the one that wrote it… it's perfect that way.

Maybe I'm not to that chapter in my life yet. Maybe I keep trying to turn the page before I've finished the last sentence. Maybe I still have a paragraph to go. I don't want to jump ahead and miss some vital piece of the story. God could have already placed the right man in my life and I'm just not ready to know he fits into God's perfect plan. 

I pray for the courage to wait patiently. 

I will move ahead bold and confident. I'll be taking every step in obedience.

Okay God,

I'm turning my love story over to You. I trust You to write in the hero when it's time. Your time. I'm tired of trying to do this on my own. I leave it all up to you.

Roads.

Of all the different roads we can travel down, which one do we choose?

I know everyone wants to find the one but how do you know which road is the right one? 

It's like driving down a lonely country road late at night with only one headlight working… It's very hard to see the whole road when your vision is obstructed or hindered.

When you are driving down the road called life, there are so many different turn offs.

Which one do you take? Do you choose the safe path? The one you know so well you can traverse it blindfolded. But what about the path that has turns and hills? You never know what will be around the next bend or at the top of the next hill. Or what about the one that goes along the edge of a ravine? The one that promises adventure and thrill at every turn.

Your GPS doesn't work here. Stopping and asking for directions from the locals isn't an option. You aren't alone, but sometimes it feels like it. God is your navigator. 

God is the only one that knows which path I'm supposed to take. That's the hard part. I feel like I'm driving down the highway and I keep passing all these exits, wondering if I should get off or keep going. Do I stay on and pray God will tell me when it's time to get off? Or do I chance it? I could be getting off at the right place, or I could be getting off in the worst part of town. I don't know. I feel like I lost my map. I don't know where to go. 

Today.

Don't wait till it's too late.

One of my favorite songs is Today by Gary Allen.

(If you haven't heard it, it's about a guy watching the woman he loves get married to another guy and how he wishes he would have taken that chance and told her how he felt before it was too late.)

I've never had that experience, but I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. 

I'm a chicken when it comes to saying how I feel about people (other than my really close friends… you know who you are.. :D). 

If I was the type of girl that went after guys, I would probably have had one, if not several, boyfriends. But I'm not. I don't think it's my place to go after a guy. I think he should make the first move. I was told by a friend that I am good at hiding how I feel about guys. I guess that's true. I'm to scared that I'll embarrass myself.

If you know me, you know I'm the jokester in the bunch. Not the prank/stunt type… More the teasing-joke-telling-funny-blonde type. From the outside, it's probably viewed as flirting (Trust me. It's not.) I feel more accepted when *I* make people laugh (not at me, with me).

I do think that honesty is best, unless someone gets hurt in the process.

I totally took that to a completely different topic than I originally wanted. Back on track.

I wish we could go back to the 3rd grade days of old. "Do you like me? Check yes or no." 

Why is it so hard to express how we feel? Why are we afraid to jump? 

I'm not normally a risk taker, but I almost feel like I am by posting this. What if the wrong person reads this? What if the right person reads this? What if I help someone? What if I totally screw up someone's life? 

I guess you can take what you want/need away from this post. Hope it helps someone… 

Perhaps.

I would like to thank Disney for filling my childhood with fond memories. Memories of girls dressed in beautiful gowns, of fairy godmothers, of rags to riches, of dancing with your true love.
But among all the happy dreams, the happily ever afters, I would like to thank Disney for ruining my love life.
First off, they parade these ideal men in front of us as little girls and we grow up thinking that the Disney Princes are perfect. Now that we are grown up, we realize that a man like that doesn't exist. According to Disney,  "Prince Charming" will randomly bust out into song, sweep you up into the saddle, defeat dragons for you,  win impossible battles, save you from almost imminent death, and look awesome in a cape.
But they never show us what happens after "happily ever after."
Did they ever have children? Did they get old and wrinkled? Did their love last?

Most girls jump from guy to guy, hoping to find their Prince. They look for him in every guy they pass on the street. They are looking for love in all the wrong places. I am by no means an expert on where to find love {believe me, I'm looking!! ;) } but it hurts when I see girls that are way younger than me flinging themselves at every single guy they meet. That's not how God intended it to go.
Here's one of my favorite quotes:

Perhaps after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare like a gay night riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.

- Anne of Avonlea