Desire.

Why am I a Christian?
     Because I always have been. I can't remember a time before God. Having grown up in the church, I know how to pretend in church. I know the facial expressions to have plastered on my face to show the best "worship" look. I know the right time and degree to raise or lower my hands. I know when tears make me look more "religious."
     I feel like having known God all my life has made me take him for granted. It's like he's been a friend that I've known for forever and I'm good only talking to him every couple of days.
     This post has made me write down a couple of things I've known for a while.
I'm tired of wanting to be a Christian.
I'm tired of "acting" like one.
I'm tired of spending time with them.
I'm tired of religious phrases that I am numb to because they are repeated so often they have lost their meaning.
I'm tired of "wanting" God.
But you know what? I desire God.
I desire for him to be my best friend.
I desire for my life to change.
I desire to be real.
I desire God to be real in my life.
I desire God to be real through my life.

     I've realized that want and desire are two different things, or at least they are in my head/heart. It didn't take much time for me to see the difference, I hope you can see it too.
     Here are how the two words are alike:
Want: to wish, need, crave, or desire
Desire: crave, want, or to express a wish to obtain

     The two differences I found are below:
Want: demand
Desire: ask for or request

     Want seems so selfish. Desire seems like there is heart behind the need; there is a yearning for something, not just a greedy "give me" mentality.

I desire life. I desire love. I desire God.

Mercy.

So tonight I went and saw The Fault in Our Stars (yes, I cried like a baby, but it was a good soul-cleansing cry). There was one part where they quoted a scripture verse and it made me think. It was Psalm 23, and when they started saying it, I started reciting it in my head except I said "mercy" in my head and they said "love" in the movie. I've always known that I am not the most compassionate person in the world (and that's an area I'm really trying to work on), but I've always thought of mercy as a synonym to compassion. If mercy and love are synonyms as well, then love and compassion must be similar too. I have the ability to love deeply and love completely when given the chance (and the person is right - mainly family and close friends up until this point, but I know when the right guy comes along, I will love like I've never known possible, but that's not where I'm going with this). If I have that ability, surely I also have the ability to show compassion. It might not be as much as the next person, but I'm different than the next person, so my abilities will be different. 

I can love. 

I can show mercy. 

I can be compassionate.

Purpose.

So I've had an interesting past couple weeks. Long story short, I've slowly been growing more comfortable with myself and working hard to not dwell on comparing myself to other girls and putting myself down. You see, lately, I've been comparing myself in the aspect of, "why would a guy like that want a girl like me when he can have a girl like her?"

And as much as I'm tired of people telling me that I need to be happy because I won't bring any baggage into a relationship since I haven't experienced heartbreak, etc. I'm realizing that they don't get it... I've built up a wall so high around my heart because if I "don't care" (and add another layer) when no one "wants" me then it won't hurt as much because no one can get close. My heart is so locked up that it will seriously take some hard work and dedication to break through. And I'm scared that no one will try. I desperately want to reveal my heart but I'm terrified.

I just don't know where a "mature" guy is that knows what he wants in life, knows God, and is ready to settle down. I have a hard enough time not comparing myself to other girls I'm around and now I have to "compete" with them? Wait. What?! These girls know how to act around guys and how to handle themselves around guys. I'm an awkward, clumsy oaf around guys. I say things I shouldn't, do stupid stuff, and sometimes get the look of "is she 5?!"... I know the types of guys that fall for the insane amount of flirting I've seen lately aren't the kind of guy I want, but it makes life even better (sarcasm) when I have to watch stuff like that, because it just fuels the "I'm never going to be good enough" flames.

The other day I decided that I was going to start acting like I AM good enough. I AM just as good as this girl or that girl. I AM worthy of being wanted. I AM NOT ugly or a lost cause. I am me. God created me for a reason. I have a purpose.

Fireworks.

So tonight was literally the best 4th of July celebration I've ever experienced for two reasons:

1. I'm here at KAA and surrounded by people that make me feel at home. This place is amazing.  And they really knows how to throw a party. Yes, I missed half of the celebration because we had a kamper get a mild concussion and I had to stay with him in the Health Center. And yes, I didn't get to enjoy the fireworks from start to finish, but this leads to my second reason.

2. This is the first 4th celebration where I don't feel alone. Yes, I'm still single, but I didn't feel alone tonight. Usually, I'll sit on a blanket as fireworks light up the sky and have tears streaming down my face because I want to enjoy this moment with someone special. And year after year it doesn't happen. I sit there with friends or family or both and pretend like I'm having a good time when I'm really falling apart inside. This year was totally different. It's an amazing feeling. God is really working in my life and it couldn't have come at a better time. 

Excitement.

In less than 8 hours, I will be hitting the road for the most amazing summer ever. I'm going to be the kamp nurse at Kids Across America for the next 6 weeks and will be dealing with kids from 12-15 and I am so excited! Ever since last summer, I've known God was calling me to go back to KAA. Kamp life is like no other. My life was changed so much last summer and I can't wait to see what happens this summer! I've been looking forward to this day since last August. God works in the lives of the kids there and it's so amazing to see the transformation. The next 6 weeks will be life-changing. I'm so excited I can't fall asleep!

Future - Part 2

This is more of an update than anything. I passed. I am now an official nurse. Like complete with the additional letters after my name and everything. I can now tell people "oh, I'm a nurse" when they ask what I do. You don't know how much that means to me. 

This is proof that God really does care about the small things in life. He gave me the desire to be a nurse, helped me through years of GRUELING school, and helped me pass the worst test of my life. If this isn't proof that He loves us and is here for us, I don't know what would. There is no way I could've made it without Him. 

Future.

So I've been debating on writing this post or not. I've decided that it really doesn't matter either way, so I'm going to write it. Tomorrow is probably the most important day of my life up until now. I take the NCLEX, the State Board of Nursing Licensing Exam, which is only the most important test of my career. This post almost wasn't written because there's that chance that I could fail it and then all of my friends would know, and my family would think I'm a complete and total moron, but then I wouldn't have a totally awesome testimony of how God worked in my life. 

At church yesterday, the pastor talked about how if God gives you a vision, he'll equip you with what you need to accomplish that goal. God has given me the desire and the passion to be a nurse, so tomorrow, when I'm in the middle of my test, I know that He is with me and in control of my outcome. I have prepared for years for this exam, I know (most of) the material, and I know that God is going with me into this test. 

"... with God, all things are possible." Matt. 19:26

Isn't it funny? 

With God, the future seems much less daunting.

Going.

There is so much I want to say right now, but I'm just going to try and say what is on my heart. I'm done. I'm done trying to please other people. I'm done trying to be what everyone wants me to be. I'm done trying to be the daughter/sister/friend my family/friends wants me to be. I'm done trying. It's time to start going. I am going to be who I want to be. I am going to do what makes me happy. I am going to spend time with people that enrich my life instead of tear my life apart. I am going to be happy. I've challenged myself to rid my life of everything that is toxic (including people) and that is stopping me from reaching my full potential. You have my apologies if this offends you, but maybe you need to stop and think why you find it offensive.
My chest feels so much lighter after I've typed this. Please, join me in this next phase of my life. Get rid of the toxic waste that is weighing you down. What have you got to lose?

Easter.

All I do is complain about being single. About not being wanted. About being alone. How do I get past this? I hate complaining (unless it can actually change something) and there are several friends that I feel like I complain to them all the time. Or direct conversations to talk about *my* problems or *my* lack of a relationship. I wish I could stop, but it makes me feel better to talk about it. Like if I don't, I'm going to explode. I know nothing (serious) is wrong with me to still be in this spot in life. "You're rather intimidating," my mom will tell me when we have our talks. I'm sorry that I'm 5'11" and hide my awkwardness behind confidence. I can't help either of those things.

We are in the middle of the "start a relationship" season for some of my friends and quickly approaching the "OMG I'm getting married!" season for others. I'm being left behind. Again. I'm graduating nursing school in 32 days and yet I still feel like a failure.

A friend commented tonight that I must have a ton of texts per month because I was talking with two of my friends at the same time since they both had nothing to do. I told him that my brothers text way more than I do. I wanted to add, "but they do have girlfriends" but again, that's complaining. I don't want to be known as that friend that is always unsatisfied with her relationship status. I know that a man will not complete me. I know I need a stronger relationship with God, but I'm so hurt watching my friends be happy with their significant others and I HAVE NEVER HAD THAT. "You haven't had to deal with the emotional baggage like I have," or, "You'll have such a fresh start," or, "You are so lucky you don't have the damage of a broken relationship." But I've also never been asked out seriously, I've never been complimented (by a guy) seriously, I've never been told I'm beautiful (by non-family or girl-friends). Yes, I am "lucky" enough to not have that emotional baggage/damage of being in love with someone and becoming emotionally attached to them and that relationship ending. BUT, I also don't have love (other than family/best friends). I don't know what it means to be loved. I don't know what it means to love like that. When I started writing this, I had no intentions of turning this into an Easter post, but it's just working out that way. *I* don't have to have love from a guy to be happy. It's a decision I make. I can be happy in who I am and satisfied with God's love for now. Until He brings me to my husband. God will make me ready for that kind of love. I might suck at being patient and the waiting is enough to bring me to tears on nights like this, but you know what? I will make it. It hurts and I absolutely hate it but God loved us enough to send His only Son to DIE for us. I don't have to sacrifice near that much.

Surrender.

           Yesterday was my 23rd birthday. This was the first birthday I've had in a while where I actually felt older. Usually there is no difference, but this time, something changed.
          I'm going to make 23 the best year ever. I'm going to graduate (in 54 days!!), pass the NCLEX on the first try, work as a camp nurse for 6 weeks, get a grown-up job, finally get my own car, move out, and begin my adult life. Yes, it's going to be difficult and I'm probably going to hate it at times, but it's going to be mine. And no one will be able to take that from me. I'm responsible for my own happiness. No one else. I've got to stop letting what other people do or say dictate my emotions. It's time for me to start acting like an adult. Not a grown-up, I'm just tired of feeling like I'm still a teenager. I'm going to be a LEGIT nurse in less than 3 months. It's time I start acting like a professional.

          It's also high time I surrender my pen to God. I've proven time and time again that I cannot write my own love story and I need to stop trying. God has something beyond-my-wildest-dreams amazing planned and I need to let it happen. In HIS timing.

"A quiet challenge deeply touched my spirit in that moment, as if God were tenderly standing before me with tears of boundless love in His eyes, whispering to my heart... You have searched for true love in your own way. But My ways are not your ways. I want to script a beautiful tale just for you, but first you must trust Me with the pen of this precious area of your life. Will you let Me write your love story?" - When God Writes Your Love Story

          I'm done trying to figure this out on my own. God, YOU already know where my story goes. I surrender my pen to you. Bring me to my husband in Your timing. Not mine. As difficult as it will be, I'll wait as long as it takes.

Ready.

Again, I should be doing homework, but apparently my best thoughts come to me when I'm supposed to be doing something important.

Wow. There is so much meaning in such a small word. At least in this instance it is. I am shocked by how much God has done in my heart in the past few days. I am so calm about my future love life right now that it scares me. Yes, the desire to have a "someone special" is still there (and as strong as ever), but the urgency seems to have faded. I'm no longer in a rush to get to the next stage. Yes, I'm balling my eyes out as I type this, but it's a good kind of cry. A much needed cry. My heart is calm. No longer am I crushing over someone that doesn't want me. This ship has sailed. I'm ready for a full heart.  I'm ready to be madly in love with a God that created me to love.
I'm ready to be ready.
I'm ready to be single.

Real.

This past week, my mom has been sick with the flu that's going around in this part of the world, so I talked her into watching "Wives & Daughters" with me (since she LOVES Downton Abbey).
When we got close to the end, the part where Roger is standing outside Molly's house and she rushes to the window to wave good-bye and he walks away; she just sits there. She's somewhat distressed, but still walks back into the parlor and sits down and resumes her needlework. (Yes, she does eventually run after him, but it's not immediate.) My mom turned to me and said that I was in danger of being very much like Molly at this part. She said that I put off an over confident, independent vibe that will push people away (especially deter men from pursuing me).
How do I break down the walls I've put up around my heart? The confidence that masks what's really going on? That underneath that confident, independent exterior, is just a young woman that is afraid to show her true self? I am insecure most of the time, even around close friends, but I hide it by making people laugh or by being sarcastic. How do I let the vulnerable me show? I'm terrified of letting that part out. Of having the real part of me hurt, pushed aside, made fun of, or left alone.  How do I break down the walls and let the real Michelle be free? And let people in.

Okay.

Patience has never been one of my strong suits. I'm a firstborn, independent, "confident" female and I want things done now, and if they can't, I just do them myself. (Which is one reason this whole waiting-for-the-right-guy-to-come-along business is such a problem. "I can fix it myself" doesn't work in this situation. Anyways...) 

How does one become content where God has placed them? I know I will never be content. God has not called me to be single. I need people. I just need to be okay where He has me. Not happy, not sad; not miserable, not wonderful. Just okay. I'm getting to the point where I am honestly okay where God has me. Seriously. (If only I can learn to stay off Facebook and avoid the posts/statuses/pictures of friends getting married/engaged.) God is keeping me from my future husband for a reason. I just need to be patient. Yes, that is easier said than done, but there *is* a reason.