Answers.

What does it mean when you pray for something and a possible answer presents itself? I prayed for more opportunities and it happened. I am so confused. Was it just chance or was it a partial answer to my prayer??
I'm typing this on my iPod as I wait for my parents plane to land. So I can't expound as much as I would like. But I just need to voice my thoughts right now. Was this an answer? Or was it just a random happening? I wish I had the answers to those questions. :/

Singleness.

I have only become satisfied in my singleness in the past few weeks. Up until the beginning of last month, I was unhappy with my life and the direction God was taking me. I bought a book called "Am I the One? - Clues to Finding and Becoming a Person Worth Marrying" at a used bookstore just by chance. It has changed my entire view of singleness. God has kept me single for a reason. I need to love God with everything I have before I bring a man into my life. After reading this book, I realized I am not a person worth marrying. Now. I am a Christian, but I am not in a CLOSE relationship with God. I have started to fall in love with God. It's an amazing feeling! I am still learning who I am as a person and who God has called me to become. God is doing some wonderful things in my life right now and He continues to amaze me every day! I also bought one of those daily Bibles and that has helped me grow SO much. It used to be a chore to read the Bible and this has kept me accountable and actually given me such a desire to read the Bible.

Here's a paragraph that I read tonight:
Singleness is a gift because God gives it to everyone. No one starts out married. And singleness is a gift because it provides us time to think and do things without the encumbrances of marriage. It gives the time to "be devoted to the Lord without distractions" (1 Corinthians 7: 35)

Dream.

I had an incredible dream last night. I met the man I am going to marry.
I don't remember what he looked like, but he was amazing. I usually don't remember what people say in my dreams, but what he said to me really stood out.
He said, "Wait for me to find you. I'm just waiting for you to be ready. God is working in your life right now, and I don't want to step in and mess things up. Just be patient and let God have His way with you. I'm not going anywhere."
Oh. My. Goodness.

Why?

I know it's been a long time since I posted, but I just haven't had the time. Life gets going and before you know it, a month has gone by.

Anyways. I got back from a two-week trip to Ireland on Monday (It was amazing by the way!!) and I just wanted to point this out:

They showed No Strings Attached on the airplane coming home from Dublin. I hadn't watched it because it was rated R for lots of stuff.

I didn't mind the movie. I thought it was pretty good and I really wondered why it had been rated R... It seemed to me that it could have been PG and been fine.. hardly any language, no "bad scenes," etc.

 So. I just looked it up on IMDb... WOW! They took out a LOT of stuff... I mean A LOT of stuff!! Language, dialogue, entire scenes... you get the drift. (WOULD NOT RECOMMEND THE MOVIE.)

My point is:
Why? Why do we feel the need to add all that garbage to movies? It was perfectly fine without all the "extras". I was shocked when I saw how much sexual content (even dialogue) was in that movie. And language? Is it really necessary to use the cuss words to emphasize your point?!

Like Jane.

So. I'm really on a Pride and Prejudice kick right now. Don't know why…

I've always thought I was just like Elizabeth. Lively, witty, judgmental, not afraid to speak my opinion. 

And in some ways, I guess I still am. But now I'm thinking I'm more like Jane than Lizzy.  I'm not a shy person, unless I'm around new people, or uncomfortable. 

If I'm interested in a guy, I hide my emotions behind a wall. I become closed off and distant. (I come across as indifferent… Like Jane.) Yes, there are times you can see my emotions in my eyes/face… most of the time it's when I'm mad or just peeved. 

When I'm around guy-friends I joke and I'm my usual bubbly self, (probably comes across as flirting) but when I'm around a guy that attracts me, I clam up, close myself off, and probably come across as stuck up. I don't know what to do differently. 

I don't want to go through what Jane went through. Yes, in the end, she gets Mr. Bingley, but not after going through some serious heart-ache. 

I think I'm scared that if I fall in love with a guy, he will change his mind and leave me with a broken heart. I've always dreamed that the first guy I "date" will be the one I marry. I don't want to be one of those girls that dates a new guy every other weekend. I want to give the man I marry my whole heart. 

Alone.

I'm sitting in a coffee shop. All alone. I am the only person here that's by myself. There are a few groups of girls that are just hanging out, several couples on dates, a huge group of college age guys/girls towards the back, and me. Sitting on one of the comfy chairs. Alone. Just loving how fair this is. I don't get this! Where do I need to be?! As I type this, I am almost in tears. I feel so alone. So rejected. Where is he God?! Where is the man you have for me? I can't be alone like this! I don't feel like I belong anywhere. My family loves me, but I feel like no one else does. I don't feel like anyone else cares about me. 

Alone.

I feel joy, I feel pain,

but I have never felt more alone than now.

My heart is screaming to be heard, 

but no one cares.

When will someone love me enough to see the real me?

When will I matter?

Pain.

I heard something the other day that has inspired me ~ so I'm writing more on the topic.

It hurts when you do something nice for your parents (like unload the dishwasher, mow the lawn, etc.) and they don't acknowledge your efforts, doesn't it? How would you feel if you gave a friend an expensive gift and they trashed it?

That's what God did for us. He gave us the most amazing gift and we ignore it. We ignore the fact that He gave his Son. All Jesus wants is to be with us, but we couldn't care less. How painful is that? He wants to be with us so much that he gave up his own life for us. We get distracted by life, our friends, the media, the newest fad. He is fighting to get to us. He is trying to get our attention. And all we do is look the other way. We push him aside. 

You don't realize it until you're far away. It hit me the other day how far I've pushed Him. And all the while, He's still wants to be my #1. 

Watch/listen to Everything by Lifehouse. I get chills. 

He gave his life for me. 

He wants to be with ME. 

And how do I treat him? I let myself get distracted by the world. I push him out of my life. I let others step in front of my relationship with the only "guy" I need in my life right now. 

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow is my birthday. It should be a happy day, but I'm far from feeling joyful. I had selfishly decided that I would have a boyfriend by tomorrow, but as you can tell, from the venting going on in this post... that didn't happen.

Here's something from one of my favorite books:

Love Unseen ~
 We're all searching for that special love,
 Is love that hard to find?
 Or should we wake the one we know
 So he won't be so blind?
 
 I know I see who you could be
 But your heart won't make the room.
 You're searching for a beginning blossom-- 
 While I'm the flower already in bloom.
 
 I could be someone that you're kissing.
 I have style, beauty, and grace.
 You don't even know what you're missing,
 And I'm right in front of your face.
Never the Bride ~ pg 204-5 

I don't know if I've met the man that God picked just for me, but that poem makes me feel.
I don't know what I feel, but it's there. I am someones better half. God hand picked me. He created me for someone special.

Everything.

This song made me cry. And I was at school when I watched the video.. I was sitting in the library, blinking back tears..

This song/video really makes you think. What distractions are between you and God? It could be anything and everything. Drugs, parties, electronics, friends, fashion, money, and that's just to name a few. For me it's probably books, TV, movies, music, and I make the excuse that I don't have time (because of work and school)..

Watching this really makes me want to shove aside everything and run.

Birthday.

As my birthday approaches, I can't help but notice the feelings of dread and disappointment that are slowly creeping in. Yet another year has flown by. I am happy with my life the way it is, but I'm not ecstatic. I know I should be satisfied with what God is doing in my life, but it's another milestone birthday and I have never even been on a date. I won't date a guy just for the sake of dating, but I would really like to have someone that wants to take me out for coffee or just text me that he hopes my day at school/work will be swell or tell me that he though of me and it made him smile.
I love my family, but I feel like someone is missing. I keep saying that, but it's that feeling you get when you go on a trip. You just know you forgot something, but you can't remember what it was (and you usually don't remember until you need it and can't find it).
I'm going through withdrawal for someone I don't even know. It's hard.

I'm one of those girls that plans out her future. I though I had it all figured out. We would start dating around Thanksgiving, he would propose to me on or around my birthday, and we would get married this October/November.
Well... As you can tell by my previous posts, I have yet to find that special someone.
Yes, God could have just done this to spite me (the positive kind of spite) and show me that He's the boss and has a fantastic plan that has nothing to do with my plans. I keep trying to hand my love story over to the best Author ever, but I'm selfish. I keep pulling the pages back and doodling my ideas on the margins.

Wait.

I am hopeful. Though it is painful, but patiently I will wait.

Why is it so hard for me to grasp this concept? I know God has an AMAZING plan for my life, why is it so hard for me to wait for Him to bring it in His timing?

I keep jumping in and trying to write my love story how I want it to go. I need to just step back and let God take over. Maybe *I'm* the one standing in the way. Maybe it's *me* preventing what I desire most. 

All I need to do is surrender to God. He already knows how my story goes, He's the one that wrote it… it's perfect that way.

Maybe I'm not to that chapter in my life yet. Maybe I keep trying to turn the page before I've finished the last sentence. Maybe I still have a paragraph to go. I don't want to jump ahead and miss some vital piece of the story. God could have already placed the right man in my life and I'm just not ready to know he fits into God's perfect plan. 

I pray for the courage to wait patiently. 

I will move ahead bold and confident. I'll be taking every step in obedience.

Okay God,

I'm turning my love story over to You. I trust You to write in the hero when it's time. Your time. I'm tired of trying to do this on my own. I leave it all up to you.

Roads.

Of all the different roads we can travel down, which one do we choose?

I know everyone wants to find the one but how do you know which road is the right one? 

It's like driving down a lonely country road late at night with only one headlight working… It's very hard to see the whole road when your vision is obstructed or hindered.

When you are driving down the road called life, there are so many different turn offs.

Which one do you take? Do you choose the safe path? The one you know so well you can traverse it blindfolded. But what about the path that has turns and hills? You never know what will be around the next bend or at the top of the next hill. Or what about the one that goes along the edge of a ravine? The one that promises adventure and thrill at every turn.

Your GPS doesn't work here. Stopping and asking for directions from the locals isn't an option. You aren't alone, but sometimes it feels like it. God is your navigator. 

God is the only one that knows which path I'm supposed to take. That's the hard part. I feel like I'm driving down the highway and I keep passing all these exits, wondering if I should get off or keep going. Do I stay on and pray God will tell me when it's time to get off? Or do I chance it? I could be getting off at the right place, or I could be getting off in the worst part of town. I don't know. I feel like I lost my map. I don't know where to go. 

Today.

Don't wait till it's too late.

One of my favorite songs is Today by Gary Allen.

(If you haven't heard it, it's about a guy watching the woman he loves get married to another guy and how he wishes he would have taken that chance and told her how he felt before it was too late.)

I've never had that experience, but I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. 

I'm a chicken when it comes to saying how I feel about people (other than my really close friends… you know who you are.. :D). 

If I was the type of girl that went after guys, I would probably have had one, if not several, boyfriends. But I'm not. I don't think it's my place to go after a guy. I think he should make the first move. I was told by a friend that I am good at hiding how I feel about guys. I guess that's true. I'm to scared that I'll embarrass myself.

If you know me, you know I'm the jokester in the bunch. Not the prank/stunt type… More the teasing-joke-telling-funny-blonde type. From the outside, it's probably viewed as flirting (Trust me. It's not.) I feel more accepted when *I* make people laugh (not at me, with me).

I do think that honesty is best, unless someone gets hurt in the process.

I totally took that to a completely different topic than I originally wanted. Back on track.

I wish we could go back to the 3rd grade days of old. "Do you like me? Check yes or no." 

Why is it so hard to express how we feel? Why are we afraid to jump? 

I'm not normally a risk taker, but I almost feel like I am by posting this. What if the wrong person reads this? What if the right person reads this? What if I help someone? What if I totally screw up someone's life? 

I guess you can take what you want/need away from this post. Hope it helps someone… 

Perhaps.

I would like to thank Disney for filling my childhood with fond memories. Memories of girls dressed in beautiful gowns, of fairy godmothers, of rags to riches, of dancing with your true love.
But among all the happy dreams, the happily ever afters, I would like to thank Disney for ruining my love life.
First off, they parade these ideal men in front of us as little girls and we grow up thinking that the Disney Princes are perfect. Now that we are grown up, we realize that a man like that doesn't exist. According to Disney,  "Prince Charming" will randomly bust out into song, sweep you up into the saddle, defeat dragons for you,  win impossible battles, save you from almost imminent death, and look awesome in a cape.
But they never show us what happens after "happily ever after."
Did they ever have children? Did they get old and wrinkled? Did their love last?

Most girls jump from guy to guy, hoping to find their Prince. They look for him in every guy they pass on the street. They are looking for love in all the wrong places. I am by no means an expert on where to find love {believe me, I'm looking!! ;) } but it hurts when I see girls that are way younger than me flinging themselves at every single guy they meet. That's not how God intended it to go.
Here's one of my favorite quotes:

Perhaps after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare like a gay night riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.

- Anne of Avonlea

Love.

Since Valentines Day is tomorrow... 

Love ~

–noun

1.)

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.)

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.)    a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

–verb 

1.)

to have love or affection for

2.)

to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).

3.)

to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in

4.)

to need or require; benefit greatly from

I think my favorite out of all the examples given above would be the "to need or require; benefit greatly from." I'm not a needy person, but I sure would like to feel like I need someone. That I benefit greatly from them being in my life.

What is love? Is it an emotion or a verb? Is it a feeling or something else? What does it mean to be in love?

I personally think "love" is used too much in the English language. ("I love this movie!"/ "I love Italian food!" / "Don't you just love this band?!")

I will admit that I am among the over-users, but there are times that the word love drives me crazy. For example, when you see two young teenagers (13-15ish) saying that they love e/o. They aren't old enough to get married, let alone truly understand what love is and means. Another example was included in the definitions that I copied. I had to delete over half of them because they took "love" to the physical level. To me, unless you are married, that isn't love. It's being selfish. (What can *I* get out of this relationship? What about *me*?)

I can't wait for the day "What can *I* bring to this relationship?" happens.

True love waits. 

 ~ You love someone so much that you haven't met (or just don't know yet) that you are already thinking of them. You aren't being selfish. You are bringing something to your marriage that is so pure, so clean, so perfect. God intended it to be this way. No heartache. I'm not saying I'm experienced or an expert on this advice, I just know how I feel about this. If you've read the book "The Princess & the Kiss" you know what I'm talking about. Yes, that is a kid's book, but it explains how I feel! I don't want all the riches in the world, I just want a man who values his purity as much as my own that he waits himself.

Listen to the song "Wait for Me"or read the book "Wait for Me: Rediscovering Purity" by Rebecca St. James.

They both explain a lot.

Simplicity.

I'm sitting at a local coffee shop, drinking the last of my caramel latte, when this family of 5 walks in. The kids order hot chocolate and sit down with their parents to play a game. I watch as the get Yahtzee ~ the game my mom taught me to play years ago. In fact, I've grown up playing it... I think about all the memories I have of my mom and I playing Yahtzee.
I forget about the family as I start going through pictures that need to be uploaded (backups!!). I have my headphones in (listening to Dave Barnes)...
The sound of dice hitting a table brings me back. I look up and realize that the family is not playing Yahtzee the normal way. I start to laugh inside. (How hard is it to learn how to play Y? I mean, come on! Just read the directions, it's not that hard of a game to understand.) It hit me. The parents had turned it into a learning game for the kids without them realizing it. The would roll the dice and whoever had the highest total of dice won that round. The kids (all under the age of 13) were having a blast!
Could life really hold such joy in simplicity?

Life.

So why is it that at this point in our lives we are expected to make some of the biggest decisions in our lifetime?!

~ What to pursue in college

~ What to do with your life

~ Who to build a relationship with and when to marry them

I'm pretty sure I know what I'm supposed to do career wise, but why do I have to choose where to get my education? 

Why do I feel pressured to get a boyfriend? I know it's "normal" to have a "significant other" (if not once, several times) by the time you are in college, but where's mine? Why isn't it my turn? I just want to have someone that just wants to spend time with me and will call/text me just to let me know he's thinking of me, or even come to my house and watch a movie with my family. I'm ready to begin the building process of the relationship. I'm not ready to start moving furniture just yet.

I just watched August Rush again recently. That is one of my favorite movies! I never get tired of watching that one. The reason I'm bringing this up is because, towards the very end, when Louis sees Lyla again for the first time in 12 years, the look in his eyes is enough to make me cry. I dream of the day when a man will look at me with that much love in his eyes. It almost hurts watching this movie just because I've never seen that look directed at me. EVER. Yes, my family loves me, yes I have friends that care about me, but it's not the same thing. I want to get to know the man God has for me. 

I'm ready God! I've already started working on the blueprints, let's get the workers hired and the foundation laid so we can get to work on the structure!

I don't want to start feeling desperate to find a guy, but I can't help but feel like I'm missing out. I think I'm afraid to be alone. I want to be a wife and mother almost more than anything else in the world, but I don't want to jump for the wrong guy.

I know God has a special guy somewhere for me. He has to be special, because to fall in love and want to spend the rest of his life with me is going to take someone pretty special!! :)

I'm ready God. Do what You will.

I don't know what is going on with my life!!
Do I keep going at the pace I am? Do I apply for OTC's Nursing program again, or apply for Pensacola's Nursing program??? Do I go for the degree or the family? AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
This has been one of those weeks that I've needed an extra large dose of wisdom and a clue what to do with my life!!

Sigh...

P.S. ~ Read this the other day and couldn't help but wonder...

Perhaps after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare like a gay night riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.
Anne of Avonlea

Such beautiful words! That's what I want! :D
When is it going to be my turn?! I know I'm being impatient and I don't want to wish away time, but I'm ready. I'm ready for God to bring that one man into my life and let us start building a relationship together.
I'm ready now, do what You will!